I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
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I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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