The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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