I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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