Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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