I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i love accidental penises.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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