So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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