between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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