So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize