I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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