I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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