Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
