im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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