"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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