Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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