would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".