i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?