life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.