i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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