he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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