so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
