this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
