my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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