I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
