We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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