Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
