I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
