How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
