I smell stomach acid.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
