I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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