Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
