Barsexuality is the new black.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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