i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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