Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
