How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
