Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
