I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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