Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
