Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
