yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
