Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
