he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
