dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sarcasm needs its own font
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
