You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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