i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize