Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
