oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
