What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
