I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
