if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
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I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
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I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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