Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
