smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
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I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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