Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
