And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
