My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
