I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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