OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
